House Arrest

First Prenatal Visit

Today I finally have my first pre-natal visit with my doctor. I've been weirdly looking forward to this for forever and a day now. They told me to come up with a list of questions to ask the doc while I was there and of course I procrastinated until the last minute. Here's what I came up with:

1. My due date was estimated for July 1, 2007. How much earlier do you think I will actually deliver?
2. Is the pre-natal vitamin I'm taking sufficient for my needs since I have multiples? Is it okay to continue taking this vitamin along with the additional vitamin supplementation you recommend?
3. How much weight should I gain? What should be my nutritional focus? Can you give me specific breakdowns that I should be shooting for in terms of major nutrients (i.e. fat, carbs, protein, etc.)?
4. Can I exercise? What do you recommend? I was thinking of finding a pre-natal yoga class. Is this acceptable?
5. Can I have sex?
6. When should I call you? What constitutes a "go immediately to the hospital without calling us" emergency?
7. Can I eat the pre-packaged cold cuts from the supermarket? Is all "deli meat" out? Can I have a tuna salad sandwich once a month or am I dreaming? How much chocolate is acceptable?
8. How soon will I know if I need to go on bedrest? How many of your multiples patients wind up on bedrest? On average, for how long?
9. Fibroids have been mentioned at my last two ultrasounds but to my knowledge I never had them before. Are these a result of the infertility drugs? How will they affect my pregnancy?
10. What's your stance on an occassional glass of wine (like once a month)?
11. I still have some cramping. When can I expect this to end or is it normal to have this throughout a pregnancy? How will I know the difference between a cramp and a contraction?
12. Which hospital should I expect to deliver at? Will I be able to tour the NICU unit?

I couldn't think of anything else, but I hope that this is enough. If you do think of something before 11 AM today, please leave it in the comments for me.

I'll report back later on...

Argosy and Nausea

Argosy is fun. Really.

The photo above shows progress as of last night. I've already worked two more pattern repeats since then. The color changes are really keeping my interest so I'm planning to keep working on this until it's finished. I'm not looking forward to blocking it though. My back's been hurting a bit so I'll have to figure out an alternative to blocking on the floor for this piece.

In pregnancy news, my nausea has flared up something fierce. Um, hello? I'm at the end of my first trimester! It's supposed to start going away now. I really hope that I won't be one of those women who's pukey all through their pregnancy. That would totally suck.

All Sorts of Updates

Ultrasound
There's tons to be said about the NT screening ultrasound but I'm short on time this morning. Everything went well, I heard one of the twins' heartbeats and saw the little buggers flailing about in their little sacs. It was a bit surreal, truth be told.

When I showed the ultrasound pictures to my co-worker, she was like "Wow. This really makes it real." I replied, "It's been real for some time now..."

Work Conflict
I had a problem yesterday with a particularly prickly employee. She got in my face, spat out her piece and then turned heel and left before I could even address the issue. I'd told her that I didn't want to talk at that particular moment about five times but she followed me out of a meeting to my desk, spieling her diatribe and forcing her way into my personal space. Nevermind that I was putting on my coat the entire time and kept saying that I had to leave for an important appointment. 

For once I decided not to be walked all over like that, to not be a fucking doormat. Like they say, "You can take the girl out of the South Bronx, but you can't take the South Bronx out of the girl." I went over to her desk and just laid into her about how she has no respect for anybody but herself. Unfortunately what came out was so emotional and so angry that I sputtered half of it and wound up turning heel on her and just leaving.

Of course she sent a lovely e-mail to me and my boss about my "so-called professionalism" and the emotional outburst -- excuse me, but she has LOUD arguments at least once a week that I've had to go in and break up -- and how she expect better behavior from a Vice President. I countered with a rational and calm reply, stating what I couldn't articulate previously with a not so subtle "I'm not taking your shit anymore..." at the end. I also pointed out that I don't throw my title around, and that I expect the same level of professionalism from everyone regardless of their title or age (again a not so subtle dig at her because she's constantly tossing around her "40+ years of experience"...)

So she followed up with her usual email about how my boss is an idiot (she hates him), how my team is incompetent, how she has over 40 years of experience, is perfect and makes no mistakes and -- the best one of the lot -- how she asked to be relieved of her managerial duty so she could focus on improving her area. Asked to be relieved? Wow. Is that what she tells herself so that she can sleep at night?

Where does she get off? Actually, don't tell me. I don't want to know the subway stop to delusional 'cause she clearly lives there.

I didn't bother to reply. If she asks I will simply tell her that I said what I needed to say and that I've already heard her piece... many, many, many times over. My boss was going to reply since he was incensed but my other boss and I talked him out of it. After all, it would only lead to an email war.

At any rate, there's a reason my boss hired me to be his right hand, which I'm sure she clearly doesn't see. If she thought she was getting me in trouble with her e-mail, well she best think again. People fucking applauded me for standing up to her.

Everyone's been telling me to let it go, that she's psycho and delusional, and that I'm in the right. But I'm having a real hard time letting go of this, mainly because I've swallowed too much of her shit for a year out of professionalism. But a year's worth of barely hidden insults and digs has simply been too much. I'm not going to let those go by unchallenged anymore. I can't.

I'm somewhat dreading today, but I'm just going to be me. I'll be my usual nice and courteous self and I'll talk to her when I need to. I'm not going to avoid her like I have in the past because I didn't want to get into another of her crazy circular arguments (her favorite tactic for wearing down her opponents). At the same time I'm not going to take her shit if I do need to interact with her.

Let's put it this way. There are about 40 plus people in my department who have my back.

Knitting
All my projects are being worked on, albeit slowly and somewhat piecemeal. Balsam is my main knit right now because it's perfect for the subway. However it has this one particular row that I keep messing up at the very end of the 18 row pattern repeat. I've been missing my mistake until I'm two rows past and have consequently had to rip back at least twice now. I've just made the same mistake but it's such a soothing simple knit that I don't really mind taking the time to fix things.

And lookie what I got in the mail yesterday:

And what I started last night:

It's Argosy, from the Winter 2006 Knitty. I started it last night in an attempt to move my mind away from the drama and stress. I've finished section 1 and am two rows into section 2. It's a pretty interesting knit so I have a feeling that this one will hold my attention for more than a few weeks before I get shiny nickled by something else.

By the way, did I mention that I hate knitting scarves? :)

Office Holidays and Genetic Testing

Everyone at work is currently in celebration mode. The staff folks have gotten their bonus amounts, the freelancers are getting gifts of appreciation. There is candy and food and junk galore. You can almost hear the carols... and chances are if you swing by my desk, you'll hear me humming some.

I did a good amount of gift giving first thing yesterday. I wanted the presents to be a surprise, so I got to work an hour earlier than usual and placed the gifts on everyone's desks. My bosses' had said given their gifts out on Friday so I figured that it would be nice to start off the week with gifts -- especially since folks would be taking vacation days later in the week.

I gave my team members and bosses some fun / funky appreciation gifts (e.g. portable mini bar) and got my direct reports mini-Swiss army knives, which were a surprisingly big hit. They kept walking around all day asking if they could "shank" people on the train. Webbies.

Of course, I realized much later in the day that I had forgotten our Traffic Manager and that I needed to get something for the ever patient mailroom guy -- who brings me tons and tons of packages of yarn and books from Amazon -- so I'll buy them something today or tomorrow.

We had our "Celebrate the Holiday of Your Choice" (aka, "Secret Santa") gift exchange yesterday and without fail I was disappointed. It seems that I always go way out of my way to find out what the person I have selected likes and hunt down something appropriate for him/her, sometimes going over the agreed upon price range. The person who gets me doesn't find out dick about me and bags out by getting me the cheapest token gift they can. This pattern has repeated itself year after year (with one notable exception -- but Sherine had me that year and she's a close friend).

I mean, come on? Who doesn't know I like knitting? I lead the office knitting circle for chrissakes! Get me some ghetto yarn instead of the six-pack of Bath & Body works shower gels which I can't even use! At least ghetto yarn would have shown that you actually tried to find out who the fuck I was or what I was interested in. Meh.

We didn't find out who our Santas were, mainly because there were 8 gazillion people in a packed conference room all talking at once while comparing gifts. All sense of order and control was completely out the window. Which, in a way, was good, cause I didn't really want to find out who the lame ass who had me was.

Can you tell that it kinda bothers me that this happens to me year after year? Am I that hard to get to know? To love? Wait, don't answer that...

Today I have the Nuchal Translucency screening. On the one hand I'm happy because it means I have another ultrasound that will confirm that the sea monkeys are indeed alive and well. On the other hand I'm terrified that they will find a possible indicator for Downs. Ah, the joys of being pregnant over 35...

Mark won't be coming to this appointment with me since he has a follow up for his own medical care so I'm on my own on this one. I'm not sure if I'm scared or not but I am a little disappointed. He gets such a humongous kick watching the sea monkeys swimming around that I'm sorry he's gonna miss it.

Keep growing sea monkeys!

Filling Everyone In

The purpose of the doctor's appointment on Tuesday had been to discuss a fetal reduction.

Let's just hope that's the last of the irony for December.

During my last visit at the infertility clinic, the doc basically told us to run, not walk, to a Maternal Fetal Specialist after he found the third sea monkey. Apparently he thought we needed to get the whole fetal reduction thing straightened out, tout de suite. Well, after waiting two weeks for the first appointment they had, Mark and I had pretty much made up our minds to take our chances with the triplets.

So on Tuesday, we just wanted to get the reduction talk out of the way and get started with our pre-natal care. We had to watch an absolutely horrible video on fetal reduction (Mark alternately called the narrating doctor "Vlad" and "Dr. Death"). This was then followed by an interminably long ultrasound where the technician kept pushing, prodding and generally trying to flatten my uterus out with the ultrasound thingie. At one point the consulting doc walked in, briefly introduced himself, and then started talking to the tech about the sea monkeys. Allusion was made to a missing FH (fetal heartbeat), so Mark and I instantly knew that we'd lost one of the sea monkeys. (It was also the reason why the ultrasound was taking so long; the tech was trying to get all the measurements, etc. without letting on that something was wrong.)

After the ultrasound we were quickly shuttled in to see the doc who was incredibly relieved that we had figured things out on our own and that we were seemingly okay with what had happened. The choice had been made for us by natural selection / nature / fate, and he no longer needed to convince us as to which way he felt it would be best for us to go. He suggested that this might be a case of vanishing twin / multiple syndrome. He told us that the rest of the sea monkeys were doing just fine and that I had nothing to worry about.

He then had us follow up with the Nurse Midwife in charge of the practice who got the ball rolling for me to have my first pre-natal. After donating 9 tubes of blood, a very full jar of urine (in case you didn't know, pregnant women need to pee all the fucking time) and answering more personal questions about my past than I was comfortable with (notably about the scars on my arms and my previous hospitalizations for depression), I walked out with the AMA(?) ACOOG handbook on pregnancy, some of my most pressing questions answered and two follow up appointments. I also have an official estimated due date now -- it's July 1, 2007. And, I'm further along than I've been thinking I was. As of today I'm 12 weeks along. I'll be starting my second trimester on New Year's day.

This Tuesday I have my Nuchal Translucency screening and next Wednesday I finally have my first official pre-natal appointment.

Now that the shock of it is all over, I can truthfully say that I'm feeling fine, though Mark and I are bummed to varying degrees. We had just started wrapping our heads around the thought of being parents of triplets, of actually figuring out how we could make it work. I think I'm less upset, though, truth be told, I'm more than a little scared of losing the other two despite the doctor's reassurances.

So, that's what happened at the appointment. I disappeared for the rest of the week because my company was doing some high profile year end releases and I wound up being crazy busy -- too busy to get my head together enough to even write "Thank You" so I asked Mark to do it.

But I have to pause here and say it. Thank you everyone for your wonderful words and comments. I saw them all even though I wasn't posting. Again, I can't express my gratitude or how fortunate I feel I am having so many folks that care. Thank you.

Since this is a post on filling folks in, I'll let you know that I had a decent share of highs and lows following the appointment.

High - I got an INCREDIBLY generous and PHAT bonus from my job plus a small salary increase for next year. Mind you, when I was hired I was told that I wouldn't be getting a raise at all because of the position I was taking so my year-end compensation was a HUGE surprise.

Low - On Thursday I had to get up at 3:30 AM and go to work on 4 hours of sleep. Our boss had everyone that came in early -- he pulled the same duty -- go home at noon but I wound up being sick for the rest of the day. I wound up sleeping all day Thursday and feeling very off.

Low - I called in sick on Friday because I was still feeling sick and had some light spotting. I hadn't had any spotting AT ALL throughout the pregnancy so when I saw it -- the teeniest of specks -- I freaked out. I decided to play it safe and stay at home. Later in the day, there was a little bit more so I called the Nurse Midwife and she conferred with a doctor. Both of them told me that given my circumstances this was completely normal and that I shouldn't worry. They went over more serious symptoms I should look out for and was told to call 24/7, even if I felt stupid about it. They also told me to get plenty of rest, so I put myself on modified bed rest. Thankfully there's been no more spotting since I called them.

High - While on modified bedrest, I finished the knitting on Shedir (craptastic pic in sidebar under "In Need of Blocking or Finishing" -- I only have 2 ends to weave in!) and the first of the two fronts on the Lace and Cable Capelet:

High - We decorated our hallway for Christmas for the first time since we've been together.

Yes, it's understated but it makes me giddily happy.

We can't have a tree this year because of the evil cattens and while Mark would have been happy with a wreath, I kept on thinking that you couldn't put presents under a wreath. Besides, I didn't want to vaccuum up after it for the next three weeks. But I've been wanting to go all out and decorate at Christmas for years now so I bought stockings for me and Mark and got a wreath and star. We couldn't figure out if we wanted to center it to the wall or the hallway arch so we opted for the wall. I think it looks less off-center this way, at least in real life. In the pic it looks kinda dumb. But, like I said, it's a start and it makes me incredibly happy.

Taking Care of Business (guest post by Mark)

Liz asked me to post so no one gets worried about how we're doing.

The short answer: We're both fine.

The long answer: Liz is crazy busy with end-of-quarter/end-of-year stuff at her job (she'll be busy with it tomorrow also, hence her request for me to update everyone), so she hasn't had time to write about anything pregnancy-related. Oddly enough, I've been talking about the pregnancy to anyone will listen (unlike Liz, who is keeping the list of coworkers in the know relatively low), so the people at my work were really disappointed when word got out that we lost one of the sea monkeys. That means I've had to talk about it a lot more than Liz has. I don't know if that's a good thing or not. Still, it's been great the amount of support both of us have gotten through various channels, and I'd like to again thank everyone who's left supportive comments here. They really do mean a lot to both of us. 

One final quickish note about the term "sea monkeys" since it seems that Liz is never going to get around to telling that story... When we were in the cab returning from the implantation, Liz was moving very gingerly, and we'd both wince every time the cab would hit a bump. She said she felt like a little kid taking her first sea monkeys home from the store, and the phrase has stuck. 

Keep growing, little sea monkeys. You have a lot of people ready to welcome you when the time comes...

Quick Dispatch from the Doctor's Office

Sadly we lost one of the sea monkeys. More news to come when I'm at a real computer. We're okay with the loss but are sorry anyway.

Edited to add: To answer the comments, the doctor said that the other two sea monkeys look perfectly fine and that there is nothing to worry about from what they've seen. They are at the right size for their age and are going strong. The failure of the one sea monkey isn't indicative of any large scale problem and won't affect the other two.

Thanks to everyone for their kind words and wishes. Mark and I really appreciate them and I consider myself very very lucky to still have two little sea monkeys growing inside.

Subway Seat

I gave my seat to a pregnant woman on the subway on my way home yesterday.

No, the irony of this hasn't been lost on me.

It was late and I was exhausted after a particularly long day. I was looking forward to knitting on my way home and unwinding. Since I almost always get a seat, having learned the particulars of the Brooklyn-bound 2 and 3, this was not an unreasonable expectation.

For instance, I go all the way to the front of the train (which is closest to my exit at home) because it's usually the least crowded car. If I don't score a seat right away, I stand near a seated white person -- either someone well-dressed or someone who looks like they're either in college or like a hipster. These folks invariably get off at either 34th or 14th street. Blacks, asians or hispanics are more than likely on the train for the long haul, making the trek through Brooklyn. My strategy, as it is, works 95% of the time, and I'm usually seated by 14th street.

When the train arrived at Times Square it was crowded but I was one of the first on the car and managed to quickly score a seat. Comfortable, I put on my earphones, hit play on the iPod (Gandalf was lifting the shadows from Theoden when I'd last left off) and pulled out Balsam. Lost in my own world, my mind drifted between the book playing on my iPod, rehashing the day's work, what I was going to eat for dinner, and my upcoming appointment. I knit and mused, unwinding a bit. At 14th street a visibly pregnant woman got on the train. She had her coat open and her bump was large enough to make no mistake about her condition. She made her way to the center of the car and leaned sideways on the pole directly in front of me, belly out to the rest of the train.

No one offered her a seat.

The train was mainly full of older (dare I say it?) black women and the lady in question was white. Most of the men on the train car were black as well, but it didn't matter since none of them, black, white, yellow or green, stood up to offer a seat, even though she was leaning very heavily on the pole in front of me. I bundled up my knitting and put it in my bag, tapped the woman on the arm and asked her if she'd like to sit.

"God, yes," she replied, and took the seat, quickly immersing herself in Rolling Stone and in turn tuning out the rest of the subway world.

The black woman who had been sitting next to me scooted over to make room for me as well -- why hadn't she scooted over for the pregnant woman? -- but it looked like a very tight fit. I hate being cramped and forced to lean forward, so I politely declined her offer. Of course, a guy who'd been watching the action from the sidelines promptly pushed his way forward and squeezed into the teeny spot, forcing the entire row into uncomfortableness.

So much for chivalry.

For the rest of my ride I stood in front of the woman I'd given my seat to, and found myself wondering about her. I wondered how old she was (she had a lot of gray) and when she was due. I wondered how many babies she was carrying, if she was a normal pregnancy or a multiple like me. I was curious to see what stop she got off at, to find out if she was a Brooklyn Heights or Park Slope or Prospect Heights resident because she looked fairly well to do. I couldn't imagine her riding past my stop on the train.

I wanted to tap her on the arm and say, "I'm pregnant too. Just 10 weeks so far with triplets," and to ask her the quesions on my mind, but you just don't do that in New York. Well, not unless you want to be thought of as pushy, nosy or slightly crazy.

She got off the train at the same stop I did, the borderline between chi-chi Prospect Heights and infamous Crown Heights. She walked away from Washington, towards the fancier buildings in the Heights.

I walked home, no longer wondering about her but thinking about getting home and relaxing.

Today is my LONG-awaited appointment with the Maternal Fetal Specialist. I'll post what happens after 2 or so today. Wish me and the sea monkeys luck!

It's another picture-taking day, sea monkeys. Keep growing and smile for the cameras!

Passive Aggressive

I need to reprimand two of my employees and it's been making me lose sleep all weekend. Let's just say that when other staff members start asking what their special deal is, you kinda gotta do something.

The guy I need to talk to is prone to outbursts and rants full of sheer rage. While I can talk him off the ledge (and kick his ass, need be) I try to avoid getting into a circular argument / shouting match with him. It just gives me a headache and infuriates him more. Unfortunately, he's one of my best and I don't want to lose him so I do a lot to placate him. However, I've gotten to the point where I don't think that strategy is effective anymore.

The other employee, well she isn't directly under me, which takes the weight out of my words. Nevermind that my boss is also her direct supervisor and will back me up on everything. My words just have no meaning with her. She just "tee-hees" her way through talks with me ("Oh yeah, I fucked up, isn't that funny? Tee-hee!") or gets really upset to the point of tears. She's in her early 20s so I know that she doesn't have anywhere near the level of maturity I expect. I feel that I should be more understanding or try to mentor her more, but I'm at my limit of patience with her. How much mentoring can you do with someone who won't listen?

Normally I would send an email to each individual, jokingly but firmly saying, "Cut the shit out, please" but I'm really tired of being passive-aggressive; of being Ms. Walk-All-Over me face-to-face and bitchy Dragon-Lady behind closed doors. I get all worked up about bad behavior and then bite my tongue and suppress what I need to say. I avoid confrontation like the plague -- who doesn't? -- but now I think it's time to stop.

The ultimate goal is to have a functioning, efficient work environment and for the bulk of the folks to be happy. I've been bending over backwards, busting my ass trying to make my team happy, catering to them, soothing their egos, trying to help them out. In the meantime, I've been dealing with laziness, sloppiness, missed deadlines, challenges to my authority...

Fuck 'em. I'm tired of being taken advantage of. Of being the one who is stressed. Of being the only mature one. Of being quiet. They're going to hear my mouth, more freely and openly, a lot more often from now on. No more ignoring the extended lunch breaks, the four extra smoke breaks, the passing notes at each other's desks (yes, this happens!)... I'll be walking around a lot more asking "How ya doing with that project?" and checking to see if they're actually earning their pay.

In knitting news, I wandered over to Ivete's blog on Sunday and saw her Elegant Gauntlets. My first thought was "nice!" My second thought was "Wait, I own that book. How did I miss those?!?" Oh yeah, I know how. I buy books and never get to read them.

I cast on for my own pair on Sunday using some Morehouse Merino laceweight I picked up something like four years ago. I don't know the exact colorway but I believe it's Indian Summer. I only managed to get 3" done because housecleaning called. Feh.

This picture is over-exposed as you can see. The colorway is actually much darker:

I also considered casting on for Argosy from the new Knitty as I happen to have some Noro Silk Garden in stash. But I resisted. For now.

Tomorrow I have my super duper important appointment with the Maternal Fetal Specialist. (YEY!!!) It may be weird to admit this, but I'm looking forward to my ultrasound. I want to make sure the sea monkeys are doing okay.

And because I can't leave so much vitriol on the blog, let's close this post with a picture of my favorite cat:

Keep going sea monkeys! Tomorrow's a really big day!

Maternity Frocks

By my current guesstimate, I will be 3 or so months pregnant in January. According to the general advice out there, you're not supposed to announce your pregnancy until you are at least three month's along. That way most of the risk of miscarriage is behind you and you've proven your ability to hold down a job through the early difficult part.

Now, I'm pretty tight with my bosses -- one of them is a "repeat" boss that I worked with at a different job years ago -- so I told them much earlier than the recommended three months. Originally I was going to keep it secret until the three months had passed but my office-mate and two of my friends (who happen to be co-workers) already knew. I didn't want my bosses to feel as if they were the last to know and I also wanted them to be aware that I might need some extra time here and there for tests and doctor's appointments. They were both ecstatic at the news and barring the occassional request that I sit instead of stand at a meeting or exhortation for me to leave work at 6 instead of 7, they've treated me exactly the same as before. Scratch that. They haven't changed a bit.

In the meantime, aside from a close handful of co-workers, the bulk of my department doesn't know. I've been trying to do my best to hide it from them, but it's getting harder every day because my clothes simply do not fit.

I wear suits to work. Rather I should say "wore." Let's just say that my mode of dress has become interesting (read: sloppy) as of late. I can only wear two of my jackets since the others won't button around my middle anymore. (I know that I could wear my jackets unbuttoned but I button them to hide my emerging belly.) And let's not mention the bottoms. I currently have one pair of maternity pants and two pairs of old "fat pants" that I've been using to tide me over until I can officially bust out some full-fledged maternity suits at work... Which will happen when I announce to the rest of my department that I'm knocked up.

So in preparation of my impending announcement, I've been looking for clothes. Suits, quite specifically. Now I can find designer maternity, cute sexy trendy maternity and funky cool maternity. None of them appropriate for my work environment and all of them saddled with the appropriate designer cute sexy trendy funky cool pricetags.

I admit that I'm picky about my clothes. I've been on this planet long enough to develop my own personal sense of style and develop prejudices and favorites. I don't like clingy knits or deep necklines, so most of the wraparound dress styles that are in favor are out. I don't want to highlight my belly, so cutaway, belly revealing styles are out. I favor structured well-made clothes so floppy, poorly cut outfits are out. Let's just say that so far I have only found one or two (pricey) suit separates that I consider classic and that I would wear. I can, however, find something like 20 different styles of pregnancy jeans.

As for the suits that I like, I don't want to spend $500 on just two jackets and matching pants. (I'm factoring in sales tax and shipping here.) Call me cheap, but I can't justify spending that much money on two outfits. I mean, what am I going to wear the rest of the week? Now $750 on two jackets, two matching pants, one matching skirt, a different but coordinating skirt or pair of pants, and a dress... well I could do that.

At the same time, I don't want to be so picky that I wind up in a mumu for the next seven months, know what I mean?

So, after my big appointment on Tuesday, I will start hunting in earnest. I want to stop feeling like a slob at work and get my professional groove back.

Wish me luck.