House Arrest

Uncertainty

Mark says that when I want put my mind to something, I really put my mind to it. No halfway measures for me.

I guess that's somewhat true.

You see those three black blobs up there. Those are our triplets. Wow. Three little babies with thump-a thump-a heartbeats.

Again, wow. I'd really gotten used to the idea of twins, so this is incredibly disconcerting for me. Twins seemed manageable, from all standpoints, something Mark and I could handle. Triplets however... Well, let's just say that Mark started riffing about three proms, three college tuitions... I kept thinking about my fairly decent salary suddenly supporting five.

Also, I have now officially moved not only into the realm of high-risk pregnancy but also into an ethics minefield. Do we keep all three and face the increased risks? (Mind you, Mark spent a bunch of yesterday afternoon Googling after we got the news. He found that 20% of triplet pregnancies spontaneously abort... that's ALL of the fetuses. I really didn't need for him to tell me that little nugget.) Or, do we "selectively reduce" and continue with twins? (That procedure carries it's own set of risks, including loss of pregnancy.)

Wasn't the point of going through the infertility treatments to get pregnant and KEEP it and not to abort? If I go that route will the thought of the third one haunt me for my entire life? How do you even fucking choose? The mind reels at all the "what if" scenarios.

I'm currently waiting for the midwife to call me back so I can make an appointment to discuss all this crap with the Maternal Fetal health specialist. It's all going to boil down to what makes the best sense, what provides the best odds, but I know they're going to push me into having a "selective reduction." Better for the hospital and doctors, for the remaining embryos, for the mom. From what I've read, triplet pregnancies are REALLY high risk and harder to manage than twin pregnancies. Triplets are invariably preemies, and that comes with its own series of risks. And then there's the aforementioned greater chance of losing ALL the babies. Mark and I are going to speak with them and see what they recommend, but let me tell you, just considering the options is already hard.

The funny thing is that there are tons of infertile women who WOULD KILL to be where I'm at now. Pregnant? The first cycle on IVF? With multiples? For Christ's sake, I'm one lucky bitch, aren't I?

I KNOW I'm jumping the gun a bit and inferring what is going to happen. It could turn out that they say, "Hey, you're healthy and strong and with the right amount of monitoring, we could totally make this work out." I really doubt that, however, but it could happen. Still my life is on hold -- A-FUCKING-GAIN -- until I can make this appointment and we can figure out a course. I just want to be a normal prego.

Oh, here's the other pictures you guys have all been waiting for:

These are the two finished fronts of Obi. The good news: The back is equally as straightforward as the fronts. The bad news: I'm no longer feeling the urge to do mindless knitting.

Some additional facts:

• there are 20 rows to each color stripe
• there are a total of 7 stripes to each front (2 of the colors are really, really close, though)
• I used KnitPicks' Options needles in size 4 for the ribbing and size 6 for the rest
• my gauge is off by 1/2 a stitch but it's fine by me since this is a humongously oversized knit
• I knit both fronts at the same time
• as it stands, I could seam this puppy up, wear it as a vest -- 80's style (did I mention that it's kinda huge?)

I'm planning to tackle the back -- which consists of 244 stitches per row -- slowly and to knit the bulk of it when I have time off at Christmas.

Keep growing lil sea monkeys!

Triplets

My uterus has officially turned into a clown car. I'm carrying triplets.

You see, we got it wrong at the last visit. Yes, the third egg had implanted. Yes, the yolk sack had been present. However, the doctor hadn't seen a heartbeat so we thought the little tyke hadn't made it.

Today we saw three strong heartbeats going. Thump-a-thump-a-thump. Whoa. There was much laughter with an ultrasound wand up my hoo-ha, and a lot of Mark saying "Wow" over and over.

(We also saw the fetuses in their cute tadpole, budding arms stage but Mark was a bit too flabbergasted to ask for pictures of that.)

Once we settled down, though, the doctor got serious and mentioned the increased risks of a triple pregnancy. He referred us to a Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist to discuss the course of the pregnancy. We called the specialist, who happens to be part of the High Risk Obstetrics Department of the infertility clinic's medical center, from the waiting room to make the appointment. I got the front desk who looked up my info -- being part of the same medical center, my records were easily accessible to them -- and told me that I needed to speak with the head midwife first and that she would be calling me back.

She did, but I missed her call since I was on the subway on my way home. So I have to wait until tomorrow to call her back -- she was rushing to the hospital to see a patient when she left the message -- and hopefully schedule an appointment to talk about risks and ethics, discuss our stance on "selective reduction" and finally start my obstetric care.

Sooo... I'm to continue the progesterone for one more week. After that, my body is on its own. I'm also done with the infertility clinic and have been released to specialists who will then release me to OB/GYNs. Hopefully I'll have seen the specialist and we'll have decided on the course of my pregnancy within the next week. (I'm at week 8 and "selective reduction" is done between weeks 10 and 12.)

(Pictures later. Mark took the ultrasound pic with him to work.)

P.S. For the person who has Googled "What does 'a little bit pregnant' mean?" in every freaking language -- I know cause you're showing up in my stats -- the reason you aren't getting the answer you want is that you have the saying wrong. The phrase actually is "You can't be (just) a little bit pregnant." The meaning is that either you are or you aren't. Like either you are a mutant / alien / dog / what have you or you're not. There are no in betweens. I hope that helps you out.

Keep going sea monkeys!

Ultrasound #2

My follow-up ultrasound is at 11:15. Fingers crossed that everything is still okay. Optimism isn't my strong point and besides... You. Never. Know. Life's funny that way. Still, I think I feel as if everything is okay.

The two fronts of Obi are done. I was having my doubts about it all through the knitting, but now I'm 95% happy with the color choices. I wish, though, that I had been a braver soul last year when I bought this yarn and ordered a nice deep green instead of the light brown. The deep green would have fit in perfectly while the "oak" color kinda makes things feel a little off. Oh well... you live and learn.

In spite of the one wonky color, I've decided that I actually like the way the sweater is coming out so far. Now I'm debating whether or not to make the back identical to the fronts or to have mismatched stripes. I'm thinking mismatched would be cooler -- it would also help me manage my yarn so that I have enough to finish the sleeves also -- but this would mean that the knitting would no longer become mindless. Dilemmas.

Okay, enough dawdling. I gotta shower and walk the dog so I can leave to get to my appointment on time. Expect pictures when I return from the doctor.

See you in a lil bit, sea monkeys!

Jinxes and Hang-Ups

I've got a major pregnancy hang-up right now. I have been steadfastly refusing to

• think further out than a week (with ever increasing stress before my next appointment) about the pregnancy
• refer to the sea monkeys as anything but (i.e. not as babies or fetuses)
• plan for anything that involves the aforementioned sea monkeys
• buy any pregnancy related items -- maternity clothing, books, magazines

However, this weekend I broke the no-pregnancy stuff ban. I bought copies of What to Expect When You're Expecting and Eating Well When You're Expecting while shopping for some T-day necessities (roasting pan, anyone?) at Tar-jay. (I also planned how our bedroom might look next year but that was instigated by Mark. I was originally trying to plan out a storage solution for my yarn using Ikea's wardrobe planner but that's neither here nor there...)

The books caught my eye when we were checking out the rest of the store for things that weren't on our list but might need anyway. I snatched up copies to take home, hang-ups be damned, because I needed some sort of guide through this. I'd gotten sick and tired of Googling for answers on what the fuck is going on with my body or whether or not I could eat bacon (not recommended) or have a sandwich for lunch (also not recommended unless you heat / cook the sandwich meat) or take a bubble bath (maybe).

Separating the wheat from the chaff had become onerous for me, especially when the answers often conflicted or contradicted each other. Oh, and let's not forget all the panicked "I forgot my pre-natal this morning. Will my baby die?" or "I ate bacon two weeks before I knew I was pregnant!!!! Should I have genetic testing early because of the possible mutations?" types of comments I'd invariablly find appended to an online article. Jeez. And I thought I was a bit of an alarmist.

Of course... since I've bought the books, I've been feeling as if I've jinxed things. I woke up nausea / morning sickness / cramps free today so it's obvious that something's gone horribly wrong in the night. (I know I'm fine and that the symptoms will return later today.) Edited to add: Yup, the nausea is back with a vengeance this morning. I almost hurled when I had a coughing fit. By acknowledging I'm pregnant, I've invited the universe to come fuck with me.

Why the hang up? Well, stupid as it sounds, any time something good has happened to me it's come with a negative side. I don't want to get fully, head-over-heels, emotionally invested just yet. Which is not to say that I'm not happy or not invested at all. I am. Very much so. I'm just a lot more reserved and cautious, I think, than most pregnant women usually are.

Aside: I still have a hard time even thinking of myself as being pregnant. I told Mark that I wasn't officially pregnant yet and he replied that having two extra heartbeats inside me kinda made me so.

Basically, until the infertility clinic gives me the all clear and releases me to the care of a regular, ordinary OB/GYN, I feel that I'm at greater risk for something going massively wrong. After all, all this monitoring is for some reason, right?

I know, I know, not necessarily. I never said I was completely rational about things, now did I? Remember the wedding angst? I never felt like a bride to be through all the planning. Now I feel more like a science experiment than a glowing, happy prego. Instead of thinking cribs and strollers, I'm thinking ultrasounds and test results. I'm waiting for the all clear, for the sign that I can relax.

My feeling is that once I'm released from the infertility clinic and have my first normal OB/GYN visit -- you know, the kind where they run basic tests, weigh you and tell you when you're scheduled to be due -- that I'll be able relax and start really feeling pregnant. I mean, I still don't know when I'm supposedly due or how much weight I'm supposed to put on.  Or... A million ors...

In knitting news, absolutely no progress got made this weekend, but I will be home for a full week beginning tomorrow. I've a few pictures to show, though, so expect more knitting content and less angtsy pregnancy talk during the week.

Snuggle in and enjoy the ride, my sea monkeys...

Nausea and Diet

First off, WOW and thanks for all the happy, happy notes. I was out sick yesterday, partially from exhaustion from having to work this weekend and partially because I was dealing with my first real bout of morning sickness. But, your words really brightened and cheered up an otherwise dreary day. I'm planning to write everyone back individually, but that won't happen before the weekend so I want to say THANK YOU. Mark and I are really happy -- well, happy is an understatement. Mark's freaking ecstatic; I'm extremely happy but still very cautious.

As I mentioned, I'm finally getting my first pangs of morning sickness. It's not been too bad so far, but I know that this is just the beginning. I'd been managing fine with decaf with sugar, toast and my pre-natal vitamin in the morning, but yesterday the exhaustion compounded things and it was just all too much.

This morning was bad enough to keep me down for a bit longer than I'm used to. It took me forever to get to work and I still haven't been able to shake that "something's stuck in the back of my throat" feeling. I've spent most of the day being alternately  repulsed or made hungry by the smells around me, sometimes both in the span of seconds. The smell of bacon, for example, has been driving me crazy. I want the biggest, juiciest, dripping with fat... Erm, on second thought. Blech!

We have a follow-up ultrasound in two weeks to see how the sea monkeys are doing. (Yes, I will write down the story of how the sea monkeys came to be called, well, sea monkeys...) Hopefully (knock on wood) things will continue to go well and I'll be able to start seeing a regular OB/GYN.

In the meantime, I'm working on being MUCH more careful with my diet. No more fat-filled muffins for breakfast or big slabs of blondies or brownies as snacks. I developed some really good, healthy habits while on Weight Watchers -- drinking tons of water, eating low-fat, etc. -- and now it's time to go back to them. For the most part, my diet has been on the good side, but I've seriously been slacking on some of the healthy guidelines.

I've been reading up on nutrition for pregnant women and, inspired by this article, have decided to start toting a lunch tote packed with snacks to combat the mid-morning and afternoon munchies. Today I packed a kid-sized box of calcium-fortified juice, Yo-Baby all-natural cereal and fruit yogurt, an individual serving-sized fruit cocktail and small baggies of cheerios. I'll probably make my own trail mix and get some string cheese too as those are easy to tote around.

Ironically I'm eating food marketed towards and packaged for toddlers, but what the hell. As long as I'm not eating as much junk, I don't care who it's marketed towards. My diet is in need of improvement, so improving it I am.

After all, I have a couple of sea monkeys that need me to look out for them.

We're rooting for you, sea monkey. Grow, grow, grow!

Sea Monkeys

The infertility office was completely empty when I arrived yesterday afternoon. It came as a bit of a surprise since I'd never seen it like that before. It's always been packed with anxious women and couples waiting for their tests.

I grabbed a visit slip -- a piece of paper where you write your name, phone number for results and reason why you're there -- and started to fill it in. I hesitated a minute because I didn't know which box to check. Finally I checked both "pregnancy scan" and "ultrasound." I took a seat closest to the entry to the exam rooms and pulled out my knitting. I resumed work on the candle flame shawl. It's my good luck pregnancy knitting and it's been the only knitting I've done while waiting at the clinic.

Mark arrived about five minutes after I did and we sat together, talking about the cats and furniture and other mundane things. I was nervous and cautious and Mark optimistic.

My favorite nurse -- more about her at some other point -- came and called us. She was all like "Are you excited?" and had her fingers crossed. Mark was of course beaming and grinning but I was reserved and said something along the lines of "We'll see what we see."

I went through the drill. It was odd sitting on the exam table half naked, draped with a sheet, while my husband was in the room. At one point, I had Mark hide my panties -- I've resorted to cotton granny panties because of my growing gut -- because they were showing in my clothes pile. Again, it felt like he was intruding on a pap smear or something.

We both noticed that the ultrasound wand was already lubed up and ready to go. Mark said something about how it looked icky, and I thought, "Yeah, well you don't get that cold goop shoved inside you" and then the doctor knocked to come in.

After a few questions -- "How're you feeling?" Crampy "Any nausea or vomiting?"  Just a little nausea, no vomiting yet... -- he inserted the wand, started moving it around and found the sea monkeys in their abodes.

At first he didn't see a heartbeat on this little guy/gal, and my heart sank, but then both he and Mark made it out. Then he twirled the wand around some more and found his/her sibling.

He took a few measurements and pictures, with Mark happily grinning the whole time. I couldn't really see anything from my vantage point but was glad to hear the reports that the sizes were good, the hearts beating, etc.

The doc tried to get us a pic of both of them together but couldn't get them on the same plane so we have a picture of their egg sacs together:

Once the wand probing and picture taking was done the doctor started talking. Of course, it was all a jumbled blur, but this is what I remember:

• The doc mentioned that the third egg had implanted also -- he could see the site. Unfortunately the little tyke didn't make it.
• I'm six weeks along according to the measurements, not the seven the calendars put me at. This makes complete sense to me, especially because I'm now starting to feel the lovely week six symptom of increased nausea.
• He said that because of my age, stage of health, alignment of the stars, and, most importantly, because their little sea monkey hearts were beating, that my probability of miscarriage was on the low side.
• I'm to continue with the progesterone supplementation and come back to the clinic in two weeks for another ultrasound.

As we left the office, Mark commented how weird it was to watch a man stick something up his wife's vagina. I told him that I was so used to my "lube job" that I didn't even notice it anymore.

So as of now, we're having twins, KNOCK ON WOOD and God/universe willing.

Of course, things are still in the REALLY early stages and I'm being realistic about it. Having read about vanishing twin syndrome and other things keeps me optimistic but cautious about the final outcome.

Keep growing lil sea monkeys! Mommy and Daddy think you guys look great!

P.S. I'm halfway done with Shedir. Knitting pics later...

Heartbeat

Houston, we have a yolk sak, fetal pole, and most importantly, a heartbeat.

Times two.

Yes, I'm carrying twins.

(Ultrasound pictures later on today when I get home... Mark has them.)

Way to go sea monkeys! Continue with the excellent work!

Malabrigo

A little Malabrigo goes a long, long way towards lowering your blood pressure and relieving your anxiety.

Just saying.

Just two hours until we find out about the sea monkeys...

2:45 PM Ultrasound

I'm tired. And crabby, anxious, nervous and a slew of other emotions.

Look out world.

I worked until 9:15 or so last night, got home round 10:30 after a very bumpy cab-ride -- did I mention I get car sick now? -- and passed out by midnight. I have a demanding day ahead with not one but TWO special projects that require my attention so I can't even begin to consider taking a personal day.

To boot, I think I might be nauseous. Scratch that. I feel quasi-nauseous. But whether it's a result of morning sickness or just my stomach acting up, I don't know. Truth be told, my stomach has been a bit messed up since Friday, so my dollar is on indigestion. Still, I'm concerned enough to hunt for the ginger chews I bought yesterday.

I also have a headache... well, it's the same headache I've had for three or four days now. It's just been varying in location, duration and intensity. This morning it's set to "everybody shut the fuck up." Case in point, Maia's lying on my side of the bed licking herself and it's driving me absolutely crazy. I've been really close to snapping and yelling at her for the past half hour now. She's not doing anything wrong, however, so I'm just willing myself to ignore it. I know that there's no reason to get upset with her when what she's doing is completely natural for her. Yelling would just confuse the dog and make me feel worse. Still, every long, dragging slurp and fur munching interlude is causing my head to throb twice as hard.

Top the nausea and headache off with a pretty stiff back and neck and you have a fairly complete picture of how I physically feel right now. The last thing I want to do now is shower and go in. I just want to crawl back under the covers and sleep until 10 or 11 and then get up and go in for my ultrasound.

The ultrasound... the denouement of the second two week wait. It took forever to get to this day, didn't it? At least it feels that way to me. I'm a jumble of nerves and anxiety over it -- hoping for the best but fearing (and kinda expecting) the worst.

How am I going to get through the rest of the day at work if it turns out bad? Today is not one of those days I can be sick and leave.

Please universe / God / higher powers / karma... let everything turn out okay. Let them find what they are looking for... Let them see... Let things be okay for my sea monkeys...

Keep going sea monkeys! You've been doing a wonderful job...

UFO: "We Call Them Pirates" Hat

We have yet another UFO in the sidebar. The knitting on the pirates hat is officially done. It needs to have the inside lining tacked down and to be pressed lightly. Unfortunately, I have to go to work today so off into the "to be finished during the holidays" pile it goes.

Today makes me 7 weeks pregnant according to the caledars. I've been fairly free of morning sickness though I get weird twinges of nausea from time to time. It tends to come after I've eaten, go figure. I guess I should thank the universe for small mercies. My back and boobs are still aching, I've started getting more headaches -- those may be work related, though -- and I constantly need to pee, so I guess things are where they should be.

Tomorrow is the ultrasound and I've already had one or two bad dreams about it. In the dreams the ultrasound doesn't get done, though, but things wind up happening to me. In one they shot me up full of drugs and left me to try to get on the exam table by myself. I stumbled and fell all over the place and nobody helped me up. The doctor that arrived wasn't my doctor and he was indifferent, at best, to my plight.

I'm anxious about tomorrow. I sooooo want everything to go right. And, as much as I would like to sit home and knit and destress, I can't. A simple project my team started on Wednesday blew up into an emergency clusterfuck and I have to go into work today. Being that I'm the team leader and the only person actually on staff, all the responsibility falls on me.

Isn't it great to have added stress when you should be relaxing?

Be well my sea monkeys! Keep growing!