Another week down and another milestone achieved. 28 weeks. The sea monkeys will get a growth check at this Wednesday's ultrasound and are getting closer and closer to being born healthy. Prematurity has been weighing heavily on my mind lately and while I'm not entirely scared of the NICU, I'm hoping that my babies and I can avoid the experience. In the meantime, I feel like I'm playing a random numbers waiting game. Will I go at 36 weeks? At 29? 38?
Add to that gnawing anxiety an amplified fear of being alone. I never thought I would feel as helpless or dependent on someone as I do now. Mark's trip to pick up the car is scaring the shit out of me because it will be the first time since I've gotten pregnant that I will have to fend entirely for myself. Realistically I know that millions of women go through this — heck, Mark's sister was alone for a couple of months while her husband worked away from home! — and it's not like he's going to Zimbabwe for a month like he used to, but still... Even back then his travel bothered me, and I wasn't even pregnant.
I know that I have friends and neighbors that I can invite over to keep me company. And should something go bump in the hall, I will have a locked door and a big ass rottie to protect me. But my biggest fear is that I will go prematurely or slip and have an accident or something. My fear is that I'll have to call a car service to take me to the hospital sometime in the middle of the night. Alone.
Another related fear is that something will happen to Mark and I will be left to raise the twins alone. Without any help.
Aside: With the fear of something happening to Mark comes the completely unrelated fear that we received the wrong donor's sperm and that our babies will be black / asian / martian / not some mix of hispanic and white. Again, totally random and extremely unlikely and if it did happen Mark and I would be pissed at the fuck up but we'd be happy with the babies. However I think his family would completely write me off...
I can't even begin to imagine raising the kids on my own and it brings on my anxiety so badly that I wish I could take Xanax. Instead I've been dealing by thinking about what needs to be done next Monday, planning for my birthday, going over my checklists. There's a much more likely and realistic future in that planning and thinking and I need to start hanging my hat onto that and letting go of the fear.
Still, anxiety aside, I have days when I feel like crying and get extremely frustrated with myself because I feel so fucking helpless. I can't roll over easily or get comfortable in any position or walk without some level of pain. I know that it's a temporary condition but I really do wonder if I'll ever get back to being the strong, shit-kicking, take-no-prisoners woman I perceived myself to be. The fact that some minor aches and pains have worn down my psyche so much makes me think that maybe I wasn't as strong as I thought I was. Pregnancy can be incredibly humbling.
Tonight Next Monday (another pregnancy brain goof) we have our infant / child CPR course. It's another step closer to become prepared parents for us. A week after that we have a basic childcare class — gotta learn how to bathe the baby, right? After that it's breastfeeding. Somewhere in that time we need to actually start picking up baby stuff like cribs and clothes and diapers. I'm living from class to doctor's appointment to shopping trip.
While my life has been consumed with thoughts of the future, I have been trying not to neglect the rest of my life. The cats benefited from my need to nest this weekend:
I bought them this HUMONGOUS 82" tall cat condo off of E-bay (under $110! Total score!). I've been thinking that the poor guys needed it since all their favorite haunts are getting a touch bit crowded:
Especialy when Maia gets in on the action:
I also bought myself some yarn because, well... it was 100% silk and on sale and my birthday is at the end of this month...
Plymouth Shire Silk, Frost
Plymouth Shire Silk, Silver
for two "Milan Jackets" (12 month size) from Natural Knits for Babies and Moms
(I also bought a few small knick-knacks from Etsy but I'll share those as they arrive...)
And, I finished the knitting on first of the two Oz vests:
I'm actually really happy with the job I did matching the colors up on the trim and on the fronts. Now I have to do the same with the second one:
There is one thing that I will be changing about the pattern on the second go round, though. It calls for a decorative button flap on the right shoulder, which a) was a pain in the ass to work because it was only two freaking rows deep and b) really didn't add that much to the look. And, considering that I've been having a hard time just finding buttons I like for the other sweaters, I figure I don't need to give myself a headache by trying to find three more. Also, I originally thought that it was a functional thing to help get the vests on and off, but having finished the first one I can see that even it were functional, I wouldn't have needed it. So this design detail is getting tossed for the second vest.
And, don't worry, the second of the Harvey Kimonos has been getting some love as well:
The back is entirely done and I'm now up to the quick-going decrease part for the left front.
And before you think that I'm NEVER going to actually weave in ends and finish these sweaters, I'm trying to finish all the newborn - 3 month size sweaters first so that I can block them in one fell swoop. That means I need to finish the second Harvey Kimono and to start and finish the second Hooded Jacket. I should be getting around to finishing things by the end of the month is my guess. (Yes, I know that the vests are not in the newborn size but who can resist knitting with some luscious Rowan...)